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How can I even begin to find myself when I didn’t realize I was lost in the first place? I’ve learned that you can lose yourself to many things, some as simple as failing a class and others as complicated as relationships. I once read that you are meant to lose yourself, and I wasn’t entirely sure the person who wrote that had actually gone through the pain and grief of having it happen. When you lose yourself, you don’t really have anyone to blame but you. You rack your brain asking the same questions over and over again:
“When did it happen?”
“Why did it happen?”
“Why didn’t I see it?”
“Could I have stopped it?”
“Why didn’t anyone else see it?”
And then that just leads you down a hill that feels like a mountain trying to climb back up again. The last question that goes through your mind is probably some variation of “How do I find myself again?” In all honesty, I always lose myself in relationships, mainly because I adapt to who I’m around, and in doing so, I forget who I truly am. I never thought of it as a bad thing until I looked at myself and couldn’t even recognize who I was staring at. I mean, if no one else could see it, how could I? To become so lost that I couldn’t even recognize myself is probably the most defeated I have ever felt. When it happens, it feels like it’s never going to stop—all of the questions, the unknown of my own mind.
I believe the most crucial test of all is the one where we have to find the courage and strength to look for ourselves again and again, because we’re always changing. Fear is a significant factor in the way we lose ourselves, more so fear of the unknown. By definition, the unknown is not yet known, but we let it control us. Perhaps the question you should ask is, “How can I be okay again?” Seeing as we’re humans, we will lose ourselves many times. It’s the game of life, the luck of the draw, the “only time will tell” bull that we always hear. Let your time be now. Life has a way of getting to everyone, and that’s okay. You may not have everything figured out, and that’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay and to even feel defeated. Just don’t let yourself be defeated.
Get back up again, study for that test, ace that final, work things out with that best friend, tell the world who you are even if they may not like it, be honest about your feelings, even if it may hurt. Do whatever you need to do but always remember who you are. Don’t change for anyone but you. At the end of the day, Only you have to live with yourself. Maybe that’s what they meant when they said you’re meant to lose yourself, because when you do find yourself, you forget why you were lost in the first place, and there is no better feeling than that of being found.