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I miss the honeymoon phase of our relationship. I miss the butterflies you gave me as I began getting ready for our first date. I miss the excitement I felt as we planned and set out on all of our adventures. I miss the tension that gathered in the air as we both looked at each other before sharing our first kiss. I miss how a simple good morning text from you would set me up for a great day ahead. I miss sitting silently in your presence and knowing that there was nowhere else I would rather be. I miss talking on the phone for hours late at night, waiting for you to hang up first. I miss falling asleep facing you as our noses touched ever-so-slightly. I miss wanting you. I miss needing you. I miss loving you.
I miss knowing that you were the one.
But four years on and I’m not so sure if you are the one anymore. I’m not sure if you’re the one that I want to wake up next to and stay in bed with on a cold winter’s morning. I’m not sure if you’re the one that I want to spend my Friday nights with at home as I sit and eat take out in front of the TV. I’m not sure if you’re the one that I want to call and vent to after a long and hard day at work. I’m not sure if you’re the one that fits perfectly into my future. I’m not sure if you’re the one that I want to travel the world with, buy a house with, and settle down with.
I think it’s fair to say that just as we grow and change as people, so do our feelings, our wants, and our needs. Once upon a time, you were everything I wanted, and you gave me everything I needed. But as time has gone on, I have begun to wonder if we are as compatible as we once were. I wonder if we are now almost too much the same, as if I am somehow dating another version of myself that I no longer like. I wonder if the butterflies and the excitement are ever going to come back, or if we just used it all up too quickly. I wonder if we have just outgrown each other, like the way you grow out of an old pair of shoes. I wonder what life would be like if I never once knew that you were going to be the one. I wonder why my feelings have changed and why my heart is now leading me in another direction.
I don’t have any answers for you, and for that I am sorry. I am sorry for promising to share a life with you that I no longer want. I am sorry for telling you that you were the one. However, the thing is, you were the one at that time, and I will be forever grateful for that. I will be forever grateful for everything you did for me. For loving me at my worst, for helping me when I was too scared to ask for help, for making me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry, for pushing me outside my comfort zone, for trusting me to make the right decisions, for comforting me when I was sick, for sticking around even when at times I pushed you away. I will be forever grateful for the butterflies and the excitement that you once gave me. I will be forever grateful for the first date, the first kiss, and every little thing that came after that. I will be forever grateful for our story, for the moments we shared and the memories we created. I will be forever grateful for having you, for needing you, for loving you.
I will be forever grateful for knowing that you were once the one.