Resilience was a word I never considered part of my repertoire. The amalgamation of lessons from 2019 and 2020 have taught me that to be successful, present, and consistent in positive outlooks, we first need to focus on being resilient. This epiphany happened when I had to consider how independent I was when I was facing challenges as well as awareness of my own boundaries. I learned that I was not prioritizing myself, I was trying to help everyone around me and not respecting my own needs or personal space. There was also my own self-neglect when it came to my health and not believing I could accomplish anything anymore.
In the face of all that has happened, I have learned that to be resilient, I needed to believe in myself first. My sense of esteem was shattered after a failed relationship and failure with most of my personal friendships. Giving too much and expecting nothing or less in return completely warped my own sense of worth. It was time to make a change, to empower myself and be more focused on what I wanted for the future.
Ending some of my closest friendships in the last couple of years was rough in the beginning, but I was able to progress slowly and move forward. I no longer speak to these people, not because of a major argument but because we had outgrown each other, and our friendships ended. We had grown apart and our views had changed. While I was more focused on becoming happier, they simply felt bothered by that. I respected it and saw that it was time to just slowly remove myself from their lives. If we are trying to grow and change, sometimes we cannot have people that shame us about our need to grow and heal. To me, it felt like they wanted me to be in the same pit with them, to complain, to resent others for their successes, and I simply did not want to be in that mindset anymore. I opted for growth and strength, and if my closest friends did not want to respect my journey, then they could no longer be in my life.
As for my relationship, I had put so much of my energy on someone that did not reciprocate because he simply did not care. Although it took time for me to come to terms with it, I am grateful it ended. Growth comes when we are willing to accept the changes in our lives. Even being complacent with stagnant relationships can be bad in the long run. We should be with people that constantly motivate us to do better, to be kinder, and to motivate us to grow spiritually and professionally. My romantic relationship did not provide any of that. My ex was not on board. I may not be perfect, but I want better for myself.
2020 was a mirror into my soul. It was a time to prioritize what was truly important in my life and to abandon those old habits that were only causing me to self-destruct. Cutting ties with people has been a blessing and it has allowed me to craft a new path where I can feel slightly prouder of myself. 2020 was a year of anxiety and fear. It was the year that taught me resilience and the need to think more positively. The state of the world kept changing then and each month felt like a whirlwind, unstoppable, and unpredictable. It was a year that revealed my weaknesses, flashing a light on the areas I needed to improve. And it was also a year where I found the strength I did not know I had. It was a year where I reconnected with spirituality. It was a year where I did more reading and self-reflection.
Now, entering 2021, it is really dawning on me that the pain, hurt and the battles will continue, but this does not mean I have to be negative about things. It has already been a challenging year, seeing close friends coping with tragedy and loss. Although I am learning more about resilience, it has been hard expressing myself to others when they are hurting. Everything seems to be happening in a whir, the changes are once again unstoppable and uncontrollable. It really hurts to feel powerless, that we cannot stand up to time and challenge it. Many days I do not know what words to say, I second guess the things I type, I feel anxious and weak at times, but I still try to say the right things and apologize when I am wrong. I am still learning and growing.
To be resilient is to also be mindful, selfless, and to find your own inner strength. It is something I am continuously learning and understanding everyday and if you are finding your own power and want to make a change, make sure to believe in yourself first. Resilience and faith in ourselves gives us a solid foundation and most things cannot scare or weaken us in the face of adversity.